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50 is the new 70.

Posted in Aging, and Life & Love

101712I have just seen myself in a film piece made about an event I attended, and had to shake my head. Granted, everyone else in the video was probably 20 years younger than me – but damnit, I looked old. And tired. And like I need a facelift. I am so glad I am not an actress of a certain age, or in the public eye. Having seen myself on film like that made me understand why Meg Ryan has turned herself into a kewpie doll.  And she started off beautiful.

Then, to add insult to injury (love that phrase), Jasper told me that my hands look like Voldemort‘s “but without the nail varnish” and I found last week’s 5am wakeup call, long day of driving and a flight at the end – a total wipeout. I slept for 9 hours and woke feeling like I had been drugged. I’m still tired. Two drinks will put me to sleep and my fantasy evening, nowadays, involves putting on stretch pants: and sipping a cocktail as I watch a double feature of Masterchef Australia.

Voldemort's hands - you can buy them as a Halloween Costume
Voldemort’s hands – you can buy them as a Halloween Costume

This morning I read an article written for people a couple of decades older than me – and laughed at how many of the points already apply to me. Nothing I can do about it – or my hands.

The Perks of being Over 70
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run – anywhere.
4. People call at 9am (or 9pm) and ask: ‘Did I wake you?’
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now will never wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 6pm.
9. You can live without sex – but not your glasses.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold in your stomach: no matter who walks into the room.
12. You sing along with elevator music.
13. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
14. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
15 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Aah well. Think I’ll have a cup of tea and a nap. Now, where did I put my glasses?

(Lovely cartoon reprinted courtesy of Bridget Finnegan. Find more of her work and her blog here.  Voldemort’s hands to be found at Costumes Hut.)

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  1. Stop! stop this nonsense right now. I have never met you and in my mind you are (and will remain) a rather more elegant Audrey Hepburnish person who knows where is where and what is what. Someone who nonchelantly sips a signature cocktail before going for dinner at the latest chic restaurant. Please do not write pieces that disabuse me of this image. BTW your glasses are possibly on top of your head – or in the fridge.

    October 15, 2013
    • Oh I am all of those things. Never doubt. And thanks for finding the glasses.

      October 15, 2013
  2. Carla

    She forgot this one……going upstairs to fetch something, and by the time you’ve got there, completely forgetting why you went (even worse when I go up another flight to the loft bedroom……I find something to distract me and forget I was even looking for something)..

    October 15, 2013
    • And standing in front of an open fridge – staring blankly ….

      October 15, 2013
  3. This post just made my day! I woke up the other morning (after a rare long, deep ‘assisted’ sleep – ) with a crease on my cheek caused by the pillow and Max suggested that I ‘iron it while you do dad’s shirt’.

    October 15, 2013
    • HAH – been there. I look like I came out of the spin cycle of the washer. Takes two coffees to get that straight.

      October 15, 2013
  4. Please, just keep mixing with your peers. There is something refreshing about a person turning their head one way and asking me to speak into their `good` ear. Meanwhile, I can get up close and personal with their crow`s feet, and am reassured that they are almost as bad as mine. And I can count their age spots too. It`s great!

    Oohhh, and stay away from Facetime or nasty laptops that reflect your mother`s face back at you.

    October 14, 2013
    • FACETIME – the killer of vanity!

      October 15, 2013

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