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What if everything you thought you knew about love was WRONG?

Posted in Health, Life & Love, and Women's issues

LOVE-HANDSThe young woman who washed my hair at the hairdresser today me told that she is in love. And this time it’s for real. I asked her how she knew? And she listed her new fella’s virtues – he doesn’t lie, he buys her presents, he takes her great places, he’s never late to fetch her, he doesn’t have other girlfriends ..

“All good” – I told her, “and congrats on picking so wisely. But you are describing his personality and behaviour – I’m wondering what is it that tells you that YOU are in love.” She rinsed my hair with cold water: “I don’t know”, she said “I’ve never really thought about it.”

Barbara Fredrickson has thought about it. She is the Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology and director of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of North Carolina. She is a Positive Psychologist who is an expert on Love.

Positive Psychology is the study of the strengths and virtues that enable individuals and communities to thrive. It is based on the belief that people want to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives, to cultivate what is best within themselves, and to enhance their experiences of love, work, and play. In essence – discovering what makes individuals happier and helping them to do more of that.

Barbara Fredrickson
Barbara Fredrickson

Fredrickson has just written a new book in which she examines how Love “affects everything we feel, think, do and become”. She shared with CNN what SHE had learned in putting the book together. Her thoughts gave me pause whilst my hair was being dyed … so I thought I would share them with you. Who knows, you might need an upgrade on your current love-software too.

So, here they are. And in her own words – Barbara Fredrickson’s 10 lessons on Love:

1. It can be hard to talk about love in scientific terms because people have strong pre-existing ideas about it.
The vision of love that emerges from the latest science requires a radical shift. I learned that I need to ask people to step back from their current views of love long enough to consider it from a different perspective: their body’s perspective. Love is not romance. It’s not sexual desire. It’s not even that special bond you feel with family or significant others.

And perhaps most challenging of all, love is neither lasting nor unconditional. The radical shift we need to make is this: Love, as your body experiences it, is a micro-moment of connection shared with another.

2. Love is not exclusive.
We tend to think of love in the same breath as loved ones. When you take these to be only your innermost circle of family and friends, you inadvertently and severely constrain your opportunities for health, growth and well-being.

In reality, you can experience micro-moments of connection with anyone — whether your soul mate or a stranger. So long as you feel safe and can forge the right kind of connection, the conditions for experiencing the emotion of love are in place.

3. Love doesn’t belong to one person.
We tend to think of emotions as private events, confined to one person’s mind and skin. Upgrading our view of love defies this logic. Evidence suggests that when you really “click” with someone else, a discernible yet momentary synchrony emerges between the two of you, as your gestures and biochemistries, even your respective neural firings, come to mirror one another in a pattern I call positivity resonance. Love is a biological wave of good feeling and mutual care that rolls through two or more brains and bodies at once.

4. Making eye contact is a key gateway for love.
Your body has the built-in ability to “catch” the emotions of those around you, making your prospects for love — defined as micro-moments of positivity resonance — nearly limitless. As hopeful as this sounds, I also learned that you can thwart this natural ability if you don’t make eye contact with the other person. Meeting eyes is a key gatekeeper to neural synchrony.

5. Love fortifies the connection between your brain and your heart, making you healthier.
Decades of research show that people who are more socially connected live longer and healthier lives. Yet precisely how social ties affect health has remained one of the great mysteries of science.

My research team and I recently learned that when we randomly assign one group of people to learn ways to create more micro-moments of love in daily live, we lastingly improve the function of the vagus nerve, a key conduit that connects your brain to your heart. This discovery provides a new window into how micro-moments of love serve as nutrients for your health.

6. Your immune cells reflect your past experiences of love.
Too often, you get the message that your future prospects hinge on your DNA. Yet the ways that your genes get expressed at the cellular level depends mightily on many factors, including whether you consider yourself to be socially connected or chronically lonely.

My team is now investigating the cellular effects of love, testing whether people who build more micro-moments of love in daily life also build healthier immune cells.

7. Small emotional moments can have disproportionately large biological effects.
It can seem surprising that an experience that lasts just a micro-moment can have any lasting effect on your health and longevity. Yet I learned that there’s an important feedback loop at work here, an upward spiral between your social and your physical well-being.

That is, your micro-moments of love not only make you healthier, but being healthier builds your capacity for love. Little by little, love begets love by improving your health. And health begets health by improving your capacity for love.

Cover_shadow8. Don’t take a loving marriage for granted.
Writing this book has profoundly changed my personal view of love. I used to uphold love as that constant, steady force that all but defines my marriage. While that constant, steady force still exists, I now see our bond as a product of the many micro-moments of positivity resonance that my husband and I have shared over the years. This shakes me out of any complacency that tempts me to take our love for granted. Love is something we should re-cultivate every single day.

9. Love and compassion can be one and the same.
If we reimagine love as micro-moments of shared positivity, it can seem like love requires that you always feel happy. I learned that this isn’t true. You can experience a micro-moment of love even as you or the person with whom you connect suffers.

Love doesn’t require that you ignore or suppress negativity. It simply requires that some element of kindness, empathy or appreciation be added to the mix. Compassion is the form love takes when suffering occurs.

10. Simply upgrading your view of love changes your capacity for it.
The latest science offers new lenses through which to see your every interaction. The people I interviewed for the book shared incredibly moving stories about how they used micro-moments of connection to make dramatic turnarounds in their personal and work lives.

And then, lastly – and the piece that resonated the most for me. Love doesn’t have to be about grand gestures. It is about moments that attract moments and build to a sustained sense of well-being:  “One of the most hopeful things I learned is that when people take just a minute or so each day to think about whether they felt connected and attuned to others, they initiate a cascade of benefits.”

A simple something we could all have a bash at doing today. For anyone we love. I’ll let you know how it goes.

More on Barbara Fredrickson’s book: “Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become,” can be found here Fredrickson’s 10 Lessons were first published here

(Images found here and here

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  1. silvia

    Couldn’t agree more especially on the non exclusivity of love, a quality that explains a lot and I have always felt true. Love and compassion, what else?

    June 20, 2013
    • Elma Jonckheer
      Elma Jonckheer

      Nice one.

      May 30, 2013
  2. Jen

    My definition of love is definitely broad and I appreciate her bringing up the comparison between love and compassion. My view on love has expanded so much, and in a positive way, when I started including compassion in love. I am able to love more, and receive more love.

    May 29, 2013
  3. Very interesting. The only part that freaks me out is that on love at cellular level. It makes me think of the crazy kinesiologist who told me i was such a mess at cellular level that I was bound to lifelong unhappiness. 😀

    May 29, 2013
  4. I hope to have many more “micro moments of love.” 🙂 Thanks for sharing the book and your thoughts as well.

    May 29, 2013
  5. Very interesting. I am especially interested in the notions that “meeting eyes is a key gatekeeper to neural synchrony” and that it`s those micro moments that make a big difference. Much like, I suspect, negative micro moments can make a very big negative impact.

    Was so drawn by the book that I tried to purchase it for my kindle ap. But, dammit, it doesn`t seem to be an ebook just yet.

    May 29, 2013

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