On my only blind date ever, I met a very nice fellow called Colin.
A friend had set us up because she thought we had a lot in common and…. “You know, who knows?”. Colin was 10 minutes late and arrived in a red Ferrari which he revved loudly a couple times, before parking it right outside the restaurant door. My heart sank. Apart from the cringe-inducing car, my date was wearing skinny jeans and an apricot Polo shirt with that huge black horse logo (both of which fit him more than a touch snugly). As we shook hands I heard his collection of gold bracelets chink chinking over his pink gold rolex. He was also about 5’4″ and sported a spray tan.
All of my lady bits quailed.
We weren’t for each other – something we discovered very quickly (the man drinks vodka and coke with Italian food, I’m tall, not blonde and a few decades too old) – but I did like him a lot. He was self-made, funny, had been around the block a good few times and irreverent. Over dinner I learned all about being a middle-aged man who dates strippers and party girls. Easy, fun, uncomplicated – but a hollow place to live. Colin told me that “young girls these days don’t have sex, they do porn”. And he wasn’t sure of the last time he really brought a woman to orgasm … as the playacting that went on between his sheets made Meg Ryan’s climax in “When Harry Met Sally” seem understated.
I asked him if all this fakery and effort wasn’t a bit tiring for a man of his age .. “nah, I’ve got my pills. Besides, somebody’s got to do it, might as well be me”.
Another thing he told me is that he “hasn’t seen bush in a decade”. All of the women he had bedded were either Hollywooded or Brazilianed … with the girls from the Balkan states being partial to a bit of vajazzling (which he found bewildering … “those swarovskis get stuck in your blerry teeth”). Thank God we had finished eating.
camparigirl tells me Bill Maher recently moaned that he can’t understand why women don’t get rid of pubic hair completely: “Who wants to be faced with a vagina that looks like Cornel West” (a reference we won’t all get – so here’s a pic.) If that’s the only alternative Bill has – I see his point.
Maher came under criticism recently for only dating black women, to which the shiny domed one responded: “People say I’m into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I’m just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.” And hairless, apparently.
I wonder if Bill shaves his genitals, and has his butt waxed … there should be some quid pro quo for his ladies.
I’ve tried both extreme waxing options and found them too ‘full frontal’ for me. Besides, I don’t want to look like a pre-pubescent girl – especially with a 50-something lala. And, as my friend Janey once pointed out – without hair to guide it, any escaping digestive gas is directed up front … and that we can all live without.
But, girls on poles everywhere swear that hair-free is the way forward: insisting it is cleaner and healthier. Who knows what sort of problems they must have been encountering – but Playtex were listening. And have just introduced Fresh + Sexy “intimate wipes” for our pre- and post-coital cleansing needs. Think baby wipes, but for sticky sex stuff.
They saw a gap in the market and have filled it. A bit like Colin.
(images courtesy of Playtex and from here. And this post wasn’t sponsored … we just thought the ads were funny.)